How to Declutter When Your Family is Messy

If you feel like you’re the only one in your home who cares about clutter, you are not alone. So many women write to me saying, “How can I declutter when my family is messy? My spouse and kids just don’t care! I’m overwhelmed and outnumbered.” If that’s you, I want you to know: you can make real changes—even if you’re flying solo (at first). 

Here’s my honest, hard-won advice on how to declutter your home, even when your family is more roadblock than cheerleader.

You’re Not Alone (And You’re Not Wrong!)

Let me be real for a minute: when I started decluttering, my husband wanted nothing to do with it, and my kids were perfectly happy living in their cluttered chaos. It felt like I was all alone, trying to push a boulder uphill, with zero support and a whole lot of eye-rolling. If that’s your reality, I see you—and I promise, there is hope.

When I first started, I tried decluttering secretly—stuffing boxes while my husband was at work and running them to the donation center before anyone noticed.

But here’s what I learned: if you share your home with other people, making big changes behind their backs just isn’t fair (to them, or to you). It creates tension and resentment, not peace.

Here’s the thing. Decluttering a messy home is a project, one that you can’t do in a weekend or on your own. It takes time and requires help.

But not all is lost. There are things you can do to get started with your decluttering plans while you wait for your spouse and your family to “catch up”.

HOw to declutter when your family is messy

These are the real-life strategies I used, and yes, they actually work! I want you to feel empowered, not defeated. Change is possible—even if you’re the only one ready for it right now.

1.  Give Your Kids a Space That’s All Their Own

It took me a while to figure out why my family opposed me cleaning our home. They were worried I was going to make decisions about their own personal things. Eventually, I realized what I needed to do was give them their own space.

Why this works: Kids are often afraid you’ll toss something that matters to them (even if it looks like junk to you). By letting them have ownership of their own space, you remove the threat and build trust.

Actionable Tips:

Encourage Pride of Ownership: Help your child decorate or organize one shelf or wall in their space. Even younger kids can help pick where their favorite toys go.

Have a Family Meeting: Explain that you’re going to start working on the house but want everyone to feel respected. Let your kids know their rooms (or play areas) are their own.

Set Simple Boundaries:

• No food or drinks in bedrooms.
• Dirty clothes go to the laundry (give each kid their own hamper or laundry basket).
• The door stays shut. If they wanted to live in clutter and mess, that was just fine with me but I did not want to see it each time I passed their room.

Quick Start

Today, tell your kids, “I’m not going to mess with your room anymore, but here are three rules for your space…” and clearly list your boundaries. See what happens when they realize their treasures are safe!

Remember, for younger kids, you’ll need to guide more and help them learn how to care for their space. You know your child’s abilities best.

Pro Tip: Hampers are for more than clothes! Keep a few in the room to help control clutter and mess. You can use them for extra linens, stuffed toys, shoes, or clean clothes.

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2. Give Your Partner a No-Judgment Zone

My husband is a collector (think: shelves and shelves of Pittsburgh Steelers memorabilia). At first, his stuff was everywhere, and I’ll be honest—it drove me nuts. But when I tried to secretly declutter his things, it led to fights and zero trust. What he needed was a space all his own.

Why this works: Adults need autonomy, too. If your partner feels like their stuff is always on the chopping block, they’ll dig in their heels. When you offer them a space of their own, you defuse so much tension.

Actionable Tips:

Respect Their Choices: If their stuff isn’t how you would organize it, bite your tongue (hard as it is!) and let them be.

Ask Your Partner Where They’d Like Their Zone: It could be a corner of the basement, a set of shelves in the office, a drawer in the entryway, or even a garage cabinet.

Define Boundaries Together: “Your collection stays here, and I promise not to touch it. The rest of the house is my project.”

Quick Start

Over dinner or coffee, ask your partner, “If you could pick one area of the house that’s all yours—no questions, no decluttering, just your stuff—where would it be?” Negotiate if you have to, but let them own that space.

You could even give him his own area in the kitchen as well as other rooms in the home.

Bonus Tip: If they’re still worried about losing things, offer to set up a bin or large basket where they can put anything they aren’t ready to decide about yet. Sometimes just having a “pending” area makes it easier to let go later.

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3. Have an Honest Conversation (Not a Battle!)

Usually, when our family is not as excited about a project as we are, we tend to frustrated and before we know it we are in a yelling match, Instead, keep it to a simple conversation.

Why this works: Decluttering is emotional. If your family only sees you throwing out their things, they’ll feel attacked or judged. Honest, vulnerable conversation opens the door to understanding.

Actionable Tips:

• Pick a Calm Moment: Not when you’re frustrated or in a rush. (Coffee on the weekend or a quiet evening is perfect.)
• Share Your Feelings, Not Just the Mess: “When the counters are cluttered, I feel stressed and overwhelmed.”
• Ask for Input: “What do you love about our home? What’s one thing you’d change if you could?”
• Listen, Even If You Disagree: Sometimes your family just wants to feel heard.
• Set Expectations: “I’m going to start working on some areas that bother me most, but I promise to respect your stuff and your spaces.”

Quick Start

Quick Start: Tonight, say, “I want to talk about something that matters to me. I’m not asking for help right away—I just want you to know what I’m planning, and why.” Lead with empathy, not accusation.

Remember: Change takes time. If your family pushes back, try not to take it personally. Keep the lines of communication open and stay gentle but firm.

Be sure to read our guide on Gradual Decluttering, our unique approach to cleaning out the excess by weaving decluttering throughout your day.

4. The rest of the home is Now fair game

Once everyone knows their own spaces are safe, the “common areas” can be your canvas for change. This is where you can really start to create the home environment you crave!

Why this works: Everyone is now relaxed including you and that means you can sort and purge at your own pace. With the pressure off, it is easier to make decisions on what can stay and what needs to go.

Actionable Tips:

• Pick One Zone to Start: Don’t overwhelm yourself. Tackle the kitchen counters, the front entry, or a hallway closet first.
• Sort in Stages: Set up three boxes: Keep, Donate, Relocate. Put anything that’s not yours but doesn’t belong in that room into a “relocate” box and return it to your family’s designated spaces.
• Use a Visible Win: Choose a space you use daily, so you can immediately feel the benefit of decluttering. This keeps you motivated.

Quick Start:

Set a timer for 15 minutes and clear just one surface—like the dining table or kitchen counter. Take a before-and-after photo! You’ll be surprised how much better it feels, and it’s proof for your family that you’re making positive changes.

Bonus Tip: Celebrate every finished space, no matter how small. Light a candle, buy a plant, or simply sit and enjoy your hard work. Let your family see you enjoying it, too.

5. Start Small—But Start!

Pick one room or one space in your home to work on; I suggest the nightstand next to your bed. That is not only a simple spot to focus on first, but it will also be an area that you will benefit from most. 

Why this works: Big, overwhelming projects kill motivation. Starting with one tiny area builds momentum and confidence, and it’s so much easier to keep up the habit.

Actionable Tips:

• Choose a “Starter Spot”: Your nightstand, bathroom counter, or even your purse. Just one tiny area you see every day.
• Remove Everything, Then Put Back Only What You Love/Use: Be ruthless! If it doesn’t serve you, let it go.
• Make It a Habit: Set aside 10 minutes a day for a week. Small, regular progress adds up fast.

Quick Start:

Before bed tonight, clear off your nightstand. Toss any trash, put books away, and keep only what you truly need. Wipe it down and enjoy waking up to a calm corner.

Bonus Tip: Keep a “Donation Station” (a box or bag) somewhere handy for anything you want to get rid of as you go. Drop things in as you find them, and make regular donation trips part of your new routine.

Check out this list of 10 Genius Habits for a Clutter-Free Home for easy ways to keep things neater going forward.

What Happens When You Lead by Example?

As I worked my way through the home, a funny thing happened. My family started to notice.

Why this works: When you consistently model what a calm, organized space can do for your mood and stress, your family notices—even if they don’t say anything at first.

Actionable Tips:

• Be Consistent: Keep your chosen areas tidy and celebrate how they make you feel. Share your wins out loud (“I love how peaceful the kitchen feels now!”).
• Invite, Don’t Pressure: Occasionally ask, “Would you like help organizing your bookshelf?” or “Want to help me tackle the pantry?”—but never force.
• Celebrate Their Progress: If your partner sorts through old tools, or your child picks up toys without being asked, praise the effort! Positive feedback is powerful.

Quick Start:

Pick one “showcase” area—maybe your entryway or a cozy reading nook. Keep it neat and decorated to your taste. Over time, your family will start to appreciate the difference (and may even get inspired to join in).

You Are Creating Change (Even If It Feels Slow)

Here’s the most important thing I want you to remember: your effort matters. Even if you’re the only one working on decluttering, you are setting a powerful example for your family. You’re proving that change is possible, one small victory at a time.

It might take weeks or months for your family to truly notice or appreciate what you’re doing—but when they do, it’s magic. My own husband eventually started sorting through his own collections. My kids picked up their rooms (not always, but more than before!). It didn’t happen overnight, but it happened.

So take a deep breath, give yourself grace, and keep going. You are making your home a better place—not just for you, but for everyone who lives there. That is something to be proud of.

More Decluttering Resources:

• Things to Declutter in May
• How to Fix a Cluttered Room
• How to Declutter a Messy Dresser